What are you doing New Year's, New Yeeeeear's Eve?

Reese and Quincy are at their first sewing lesson with Miss Eunice today. 

Aaron is playing with the boys in the lobby while I am enjoying a non-stress test, compliments of reaching my due date. 

I kinda feel like I am 2 weeks overdue. 

Come on, baby! We want to meet you!! 

We thought we were headed to the hospital last night. My contractions were 10 min apart and then right at midnight I turned into a pumpkin and they just stopped. I got a great night of sleep though. Great being a relative term, of course, but I'm still grateful. Hopefully this zpack will kick in quickly and my sore throat and sinus pressure and drainage will all go away :) 

The good news is I'm almost 5cm. That's halfway, man! When my labor does kick in, I've got a feeling it's gonna be fast. 

Update:

Eunice called and the girls are still happily sewing with her so she asked to keep them another hour or so. They're probably in heaven! 

Aaron got off work early and met the boys and I for a date at Build A Bear. Corbin was SO surprised. "A stuffy? Just for me and not even the girls? Can I keep it and sleep with it?" 

Just for you, buddy. Anyone who knows how I feel about stuffies knows this is an act of true love.

He chose a ninja turtle. 

We thought Soren would want to make a near too, but he had no interest and instead just carried random items around and followed Corbin around the store. He was totally happy, so it was fine by us to not buy him anything! 

I should go for a walk. It's freezing outside and my throat is on fire, so instead I am going to take a nap while Soren is resting. 

We have big plans to watch the NYE countdown, play games and watch movies and do puzzles and eat pizza and Kasey's frog eye salad tonight. 

My mom flies in at 5. 

Happy New Year to me! 

And the finished product....

Look what they made! 

Adorable dresses! Thanks for a great day, Eunice! They had a blast! 

More Time.

I'm scheduled to be induced tomorrow morning. 

I'm not going to go. 

I have a lot of thoughts:

-If I'm going to labor and deliver without an epidural, I'd like to avoid pitocin, if possible. 

-I think my labor with be much shorter if I wait until I go into labor on my own. 

-At this point, there's just no real medical reason, other than my own impatience, to force this baby out tomorrow. 

-Aaron is 100% supportive of whatever I decide and is leaving it completely up to me. I admire him for this because it's his baby too, and it's his labor experience too.  Out of love and support, he is giving me total control to be as comfortable as possible. I really hope I am doing the right thing.

-I really did want to have her before the 31st. It's selfish, but we've already met our medical insurance deductible and deciding not to induce before the end of the year, while I feel it is best for my health and baby's health, waiting is still a decision that will cost us about $3500 out of pocket. In January. That kind of sucks. 

-If I'm still pregnant in 1 week I am 100% ok with the inducing then. But, then I will feel like a total jerk if I passed up the opportunity to have a baby tomorrow, could have saved a load of cash in our budget, and I have caused my kids another week of stress (seriously you guys, they're as much of as mess as I am), just to induce anyway a week later. But it's what I feel is right, so I'm trusting it. 

My doctor was out today, so I scheduled my weekly appointment with a nurse from the practice. I brought up my uncertainties about having an elective induction this time and things went downhill from there. I felt really pressured to go ahead and induce and her reasons were all ludacris fear tactics. I hate fear mongering because it totally works on me. Luckily, she was so transparent today, I could see through the motives and I even called her on it. She defended herself with more fear and scheduled me for a nonstress test with her, not my doctor, for Wednesday. There is absolutely no reason to have a non stress test when my baby is not even overdue. This nurse told me today that if I don't induce before the holiday, "who knows who will deliver your baby?" Fear.  

Uh, well it will be one of the 3 doctors from the practice, so whoever is on call is ok with me. 

"You really should go through with the induction. It's like an eviction notice. You won't be miserable anymore. You look miserable, and you have to kick her out eventually." She said. 

I also won't have the labor I want and know is possible. I will be strapped to a bed and medication will push my baby out. I was ok with this method for my previous deliveries, but when I found out Soren had heart defects, I was full of guilt for forcing him out a week early, and for using narcotics that relieved my pain, but not his.  I had to recover from that delivery with no pain meds at all because I was breast feeding him and his heart could only handle regular strength Tylenol (ie: nothing). It was very painful, but I did it, for him. I can do this, too. 

She also told me that waiting just a few days will result in a giant baby that is too big for me to deliver and I'll end up with a C-section. Fear.

False. I do not believe this baby will gain 3lbs in a few more days. I also believe I am capable of delivering a large baby. Being induced poses a greater risk of C-section than a giant baby does and everyone knows it. 

"Your third baby got stuck and needed to be vacuumed. This one will get stuck, too." Fear.

My third baby was induced 16 days before I was even due, so what does waiting a few more days have to do with anything?  I also believe he was stuck because I was completely paralyzed from the chest down and could not move or position my body to help get him UNstuck. I delivered Corbin with vacuum assistance while lying 100% flat on my back.  I hated it, but did not know I had any other option. If this baby gets stuck, we will of course use the vacuum to help her if it's needed, but there is no reason to assume we will. 

She told me that my baby is officially high risk if I don't induce tomorrow. Fear.

That induction is only on the schedule because I requested it when I was 20 weeks pregnant and hadn't considered my labor options yet. I just had him put it on the calendar to save myself a spot in case I wanted it later. Later is here, and I don't. That's ok. It was an ELECTIVE induction. Meaning no necessary, just the result of totally selfish and convenient reasons and they would have been justified if I had decided to go through with them, but I want to gift my baby a little more time to be ready. 

"You don't want a New Year's Eve baby and that's what you'll end up with if you wait."

Actually, I just want A BABY. I don't care if she comes on New Year's Eve, New Year's Day, Christmas, Hanukah, Talk Like a Pirate Day or Flag Day. I really don't, and she won't either. If a New Year's Eve baby is A baby, then yes, I actually DO want one. Desperately. I've spent a year waiting for this baby. A couple more days will be worth it. 

So there are my thoughts from my craptastic appointment today. 

I'm still between 4 and 4.5cm. Baby is definitely engaged but still at zero station. Cervix is completely thinned. Baby's heart rate is perfect. My blood pressure is perfect. I've gained a stealthy 51lbs. Everything is looking great. She's just not ready yet. 

After the disastrous nights of kids throwing up everywhere, I know that it is better she was still inside, safely cocooned and shielded from getting sick too.  I was miserable and uncomfortable, but I know it was best. Maybe I don't need to know exactly WHY I feel uneasy about not inducing tomorrow. I just need to have faith to trust that whatever the reason I feel that way is that it is what's best.  

So when you see me, tomorrow, don't ask me what I'm "doing wrong" like people keep asking. Nothing is wrong. It's different. It's tiring. It's very hard to endure. But it's not wrong. Today, it's what I feel is right.

Willy Family: 1

Fear: 0

This is a difficult and courageous decision for me.  In the past, I've signed up to force these babies out as early as possible. 40 weeks is new and terrifying territory. I did not know I had this kind of patience within me. 

Can we all pray for sleep and active labor to happen (naturally) soon? Also, pray for the killer sore throat and headache I woke up with will go away, too....

Winter Break Entertainment

Winter break is in full swing around here. 

Since we thought this week would be spent in a hospital, I didn't plan anything fun for the kids to do, and now I'm paying for it because we are all going crazy watching the clock and counting days.  I had a doctor appointment this morning (another post) and came home feeling frustrated. In an effort to keep moving and also distract me from gestation, Kasey suggested we take an adventurous outing for some fun. Good call, bestie!   I called everyone together and said, "Ok, let's make a plan for today. Here are your choices: bowling and pizza at Fast Lanes, drop in art studio at Crystal Bridges, tour the a Daisy Air Gun Museum, or the Library."

Corbin: "uhhh the library is not gonna get that baby out!"

Tousche, Corbin. We went bowling instead. 

Soren caught on quickly and was really cute to watch. Kasey was kind enough to follow him around and make sure he didn't drop a ball on his foot and break it that's the (last thing we need right now!) 

He ended up with the best score! 

These two could use a lesson in good sportsmanship lately. It was really nice to see them getting along, since they butt heads and push one another's buttons easily and often. 

I picked up an 8lb ball and handed it to Reese, who constantly asks how big the baby is. I told her, "your sister probably weighs about this much right now." It was a good visual. Now, if you strap an 8lb bowling ball to your abdomen, and then throw the remaining 40+ lbs on your back, butt, and legs, you'll have an idea of how I'm feeling right now, and why I randomly burst int tears several times a day.  Kasey and I made a bowling ball baby poll with a 7, 8, 9 and 12 pounder for friends to guess via social media. Winner gets to bring me dinner, so it's totally win win. ;) 

And the sign that everyone was as tired as they were behaving: 3 sleeping kiddos all slumped over one another in a slumber by the time we got home. 

Tonight for FHE, we tried to meet up with some friends at High Rise trampoline park, but when we got there, it was sold out. The kids were crushed. We ended up at McDonalds playland for ice cream sundaes and they were just as happy.  I could've used some bouncing at the trampoline park to help get this baby out ;) but likely would've ended up just peeing my pants chasing Soren around, so McDonalds was fine by me. My kids are so lucky to have such a fun dad. He's always thinking of fun things to do and places to go. He knows just when to splurge to maximize fun on holidays and vacations, and when things don't work out, he thinks of something else. I'm grateful to be married to such a fun, flexible, and thoughtful man.   

Merry Christmas 2014

Christmas Day was wonderful. 

A wintry mix fell outside with flakes of snow that melted as soon as they hit the ground, but it created a peaceful wonderland as a backdrop for opening gifts and spending the day together. 

Santa came and left behind an obnoxious loot that the children loved. 

Some of the favorite gifts this year were the board games Hungry Hungry Hippos and Mousetrap and nerf bows and arrows from Santa, a little tykes basketball hoop from Grandma Lynn and Grandpa Hal, a balance bike for Soren from Mommy and Daddy, and this awesome shirt for Aaron from Uncle John. 

Chippy had build a toilet paper snowman in the bathroom as his final holiday elf antic. 

The afternoon was spent playing games, putting together puzzles, driving remote control cars and riding bikes around the house. We skyped with extended family for a long time. 

Soren ate nothing but cheese balls and skittles all day. 

That night, we had a spiral ham and  Kasey and Jimmie came over and brought everything to go with Christmas dinner. I probably had 3 orange rolls before dinner even started. The kids are their weight in red jell-o. It was a really great day. 

All good things must come to an end. 

Soren started throwing up at 7pm and kept going strong until 10:30. The horrible stomach bug that had plagued Corbin was back with a brand new edition...and it was bigger and badder than anything we've ever experienced. 

The night was absolutely terrible. 

Soren was so scared and just cried and shook as he puked red jello with no warning all over his crib, walls, carpet, and everything we own for hours. Aaron and I made a good team and he bathed Soren every time while I washed bedding and tried to get all the red stains out of the carpet and rugs. My beautiful jute rug is totally destroyed. We tried everything including pouring boiling water over the stains, but nothing worked because the fibers were dyed. Around midnight I fell apart and just started bawling with exhaustion. Aaron sent me to bed and rolled up the rug and put it on the front porch and started mopping the living room. Ten minutes later, Quincy came into my room crying and covered in, you guessed it, red vomit. She hadn't even been awake when she stated throwing up and her hair, bedding, carpet, and walls were all caked in stinky throw up. 

We gave her a shower and I combed the puke from her hair while she cried and begged to go back to make the puke stop so she could go back to sleep. I was up until 2:30 am washing bedding and thanking Heavenly Father that I was not in labor that night. 

Corbin luckily made it to the bathroom every time to throw up, but has since not had a night where he hasn't woken up at least once during the night with a bad dream or stomach ache. The next day, as usual, all of the children felt and acted totally fine and healthy, as if the night before had not been like a horror scene from Night of the Living Dead. We took all of them to the pediatrician and came home with no diagnosis but prescriptions and antibiotics for days. 

I'm thankful that my family is finally healthy, that the illness stayed off long enough for us to have an enjoyable Christmas Day together, and that I had the strength and ability to care for my children when they needed me.  Being a mother is not for sissies. I know the opportunity to stretch my capacity is a gift that has strengthened me and given me confidence to know we can get through hard things, and even laugh about them later. Christmas 2014 was the year of the over pregnant mom and the red jello puke and we lived to tell about it! 

Shogun

We decided the other night we wanted to do something big and exciting and different with the kids. They're all struggling with the wait for baby as much as Aaron and I are and we're pretty much all feeling a little insane lately. 

We went to Shogun for dinner and it was a huge hit! I can't get a video to load to blogger with my phone, but I have a clip from Kasey of the children right after our chef, "Hector", lit the hibachi on fire. It's like a scene from Backdraft. All of the children shielded their faces from the heat of the flames and practically fell out of their seats. Hilarious. 

I didn't expect them to enjoy the food as much as they did. Reese loved the soup, everyone ate the steak and chicken and steamed rice and the all liked the noodles, too. 

The egg tossing tricks and the onion volcano were our favorite parts. 

No one but Aaron was able to catch food in their mouth, but it was fun to try! Maybe I will add this to the dinner routine some night when everyone is protesting something delicious. ;) 

Lots of craziness, good laughs, good food, and a round of liquid bowels for all of the adults within an hour of getting home = Shogun success! It was a crazy expensive meal, but definitely worth the entertainment and memories made. The kids are still talking about it. 

Let's bust open this last Christmas gift!

"...And when the days were accomplished that she should be delivered..."

Perhaps I should saddle up a donkey? 

Christmas Eve 2014

I was in no condition to cook, and Corbin was finally feeling better so we were beyond ready to venture out of the house by Christmas Eve. We did the Willardson  tradition of siblings drawing names and shopping for one another on Christmas Eve. I loathe this tradition because I think waiting until Christmas Eve to shop is not only insensitive and impersonal, but also a completely nonspiritual way to spend the eve of Christ's birth. We powered through this year and when it proved to be more stressful than a fun experience, we decided to bag it for future years and teach the children to plan ahead and make thoughtful purchases.  Don't get me wrong, there is something fun about the excitement of hiding gifts from one another and knowing exactly when the kids are shopping for each other, but those joys don't serve our family well enough at this time to continue the tradition.

When we finished shopping we were starving. Too hungry. We landed at Mimi's Cafe and the food was really really good. The big kids did pretty well with using restaurant manners, and Soren was all over the place but it was fine. A couple near us complimented us on our well behaved children and "large" family as we were leaving. We sort of laughed to ourselves because it definitely could have gone better.  But everything tasted wonderful. We haven't been to Mimi's in a long time and were pleasantly impressed. 

We headed home, singing Christmas carols at the top of our lungs the whole drive. 

We read from Luke 2 and acted out the nativity. I was blessed this year with the role of very pregnant Mary. 

Angel bearing glad tidings, shepherds, and one buzz/sheep who ran in circles around the sofa at hyper-speed for almost a solid hour. 

Wise men followed the star. 

And since there is still no real baby to play the role of baby Jesus, this year, a lalaloopsy doll was swaddled and placed in the manger.

We ended the night with Reese playing and us singing Silent Night. She did a beautiful job. 

Stockings, cookies, and milk were placed  out for Santa and four excited children were tucked into bed. 

Kasey and Jimmie came by after the children fell asleep, and helped us wrap gifts and prepare for Christmas morning. I had so many contractions that night, I thought for sure we would be spending Christmas morning in the hospital. As soon as they were intense and frequent enough to start timing them they settled down after 2 hours at 15 minutes apart and then stopped almost completely, other than waking me up once every hour or so during the night. I spent most of Christmas Day with my feet up to get us to December 26th.  I guess it worked, because it's Dec 28th now and I'm still pregnant and laboring sporadically.  It was a slightly different Christmas Eve compared to usual, but I'm still so happy I got to spend it with my family and create a few new memories with them. I know these magical years are numbered and I love that they're all still little enough to be believers. 

Evergreen

Last night was our annual Dec 23rd tradition of camping out underneath the Christmas tree. The children piled in a heap of blankets, sleeping bags, and spilled popcorn and slept on the floor in the loft.  Corbin and Quincy, my two early(est) risers, were both still awake at 10:30pm.  I was sort of hoping this meant they would gracious and sleep in this morning, since everyone seemed to be feeling better last night. 

Corbin woke up soon after falling asleep and threw up all night long. 

I thought it was over but I was so so so wrong.  Monday's puke was just a preview of coming attractions. 

I am a weepy, exhausted mess.

Why is this trial happening to my family right now?  I don't have the energy or patience to handle it. Being stuck home and not out doing fun holiday activities kinda sucks. We had a few service projects planned to help bring the Christmas Spirit and I'm sort of a grinch today.  Being quarantined is driving the children batty and they are literally climbing the walls but I just can't take them out anywhere and risk getting more people sick. Baking with sickies doesn't sound too appealing, either, so I'm trying to think of some fun things we can do today from home. Maybe we will face time with cousins in a few hours.  Aaron might just take a half day off work and come home early today. I'm looking forward to spending time with him wrapping gifts during naptime today.  And of course, seeing all the kids' excited faces tomorrow morning when they open them is the best part of being a parent. 

The silver lining is that Corbin has reached the glorious age of being able to make it to the bathroom every time he gets sick! I didn't even have to clean out a bucket. Way to go kid! This is HUGE for a mother. It probably helped that he was camped out right outside the upstairs bathroom. I might just have to extend the sleepover another night out of convenience. 

Last visit with Frances

We haven't been able to see Frances for awhile. Every time we stopped by Concordia, she was at the hospital or just home and not feeling well. 

We got lucky yesterday and were able to spend a few minutes with her.  She is not doing well and the nursing staff said they'll probably be calling hospice soon. I really hope Frances makes it a little longer so she can celebrate her 103rd birthday in February. 

The kids could tell she has declined quickly and understand that she will likely die soon. Frances wanted Corbin to sit on her lap so badly. He wouldn't have it. Probably for the better, considering he threw up like 30 minutes later.  I truly hope he didn't get her sick!  

Frances could hardly see or hear us, but before we left, she took my hand and said, "Thank you for bringing the children to me for Christmas."  It was heart warming and I know the love my children gave her was the highlight in a day when she didn't have the strength to get dressed.  

Yesterday was a total disaster in many ways, and I found myself dependent on friends for help in a few situations. But I also realized that even when I felt sort of helpless, I still had something to give to another.  I was very aware of the true meaning behind the phrase "no one can do everything, but everyone can do something. I needed help with my tire, but could give love and music to a retirement home.  There's always something we can do for someone else.  

Even Frances, as she reaches the end of her life and spends her days sitting in a chair, wearing just a robe, gave my children the gift of compassion and made them feel heard, loved, valued, and appreciated yesterday. 

Thanks for the gift, Frances!