Comebacks aren't easy.

I trudged through the Run For A Child 5K today. It was unbearably hot and the sun was blistering. This was my third attempt at a run after having Sloane. I foolishly thought I'd be able to just power through and gut out 3.1 miles. 

Hahahaha. I finished. It was brutal, though! I think it took almost 37 minutes. Thankful for supportive friends Chris and Kasey (my ultimate running buddy), who pulled me along, even though I'm pretty sure we've both got heat stroke! Even though it was only 3 miles, I'm glad I carried my own water. The aid stations always run out and that would have been awful, today. 

The more I try to do things that make me feel like myself, the more I realize it's not the actual THING I'm doing, but the effort I made that helps me feel like me. I like goals. I like results and I like the process of change. 

I'm good about daily reading, but made a goal in September to use a study guide every day. And I made a promise that if my children's naps overlap, I will devote a given amout of time to scripture study first, instead of waiting until everyone is in bed for the night to read.  Some days, I have exactly 20 minutes between when Soren goes to bed and Sloane wakes up. Other days, I only had 12 minutes of overlap.  Just enough time to have taken a shower. One day, I had 7 minutes. I feel a difference in my study when I make a greater sacrifice and I know I used my time wisely. 

Here's to making a comeback and investing a little more time in a few things that make me stronger. 

Weak Things Will Become Strong

It's not always sunshine and rainbows.

I awoke Monday morning with golf ball sized lymph glands, 30+ kanker sores in my mouth, and a dark band of hives wrapped around the side of my abdomen and up my spine. Because of the location and body pain, and recent exposure to chickenpox (don't even get me started. I can't go there), I fearfully panicked for awhile that it might be shingles, but the rash has now evenly spread across my full torso and legs (and arms, and chest) and really are just itchy achey hives and an angry inflamed endocrine system. Perhaps an allergy? Who knows. Benadryl seems to be helping with the itchy achey part. 

Mothering is really fun, sometimes. 

Mothering is really really hard work, sometimes. I have been humbled lately as each of my children have experienced, or are experiencing, frustrating trials that I feel I have exhausted all of my abilities and knowledge to help them endure. Just sitting by, watching them go through it, feels like I'm not doing my job. But I am at a loss as to how to help them.  Last night, I knelt in prayer with Aaron and we called upon God for help with these little children. 

The scripture Ether 12:27 promises that if I will be humble and have faith, weak things will become strong. 

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I know the trials I face right now in mothering are not punishment from God. (Though it probably sounds like it sometimes as I lament to Him in prayer, "Why is this so hard? Why art thou doing this to me/them?") Rather, these challenging days are to humble me. I know I am a better mother today than I was 3 years ago because of trials.  I know I only got through those trials with divine assistance. I can thank those difficult times for bringing me closer to Christ, and helping me develop testimony of the enabling power of the Atonement. I suppose it will help me to find gratitude in the difficulties I'm facing with my little ones today. 

I also received a blessing of healing, and among other things, was blessed with "endurance to to bear disappointments". 

So that's what's on my mind today. I'm analyzing the things that aren't going the way I want, and pondering which things I have power to change vs which things I need to accept how they are, with gratitude. 

And I'm loading up on Benadryl. 

"Let Us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each Other..."

I put this up on the chalkboard door in the parlor, today, as a much needed reminder for myself and my family.  I had a different theme in mind for our back to school family theme, but I may be changing it up last minute, this year and going with this scripture. 

Proverbs 15:1 is becoming my mantra for the next however-long-it-takes. 

Things that make the scriptures awesome.

In our family study, we're currently reading 2 Nephi in the Book of Mormon, where Nephi quotes the prophecies of Isaiah concerning the Second Coming.  It's heavy stuff....especially for our small kids.  Also, it's heavy stuff...especially for me. Every time I get to 2 Nephi, I feel like am drowning in text and just try to get through it with some more understanding than the time before.  My dad bought me a book to help, and I haven't started it yet, but after tonight, I realized I need to expand my study of the prophet Isaiah and make more sense so I can better teach our children.

Aaron and I have discussed ways to make the scriptures more meaningful to the kids, and he is very good at pausing to answer questions, explain big words, and encourage discussion with the children about what they think is happening.  We're taking it very slowly and only focus on a few verses at a time so the children can draw basic lessons from them.

Tonight we read 2 Nephi 17:22.  As the words left Aaron's lips, I burst into laughter and the giggles contagiously spread throughout the room.  I'm not sure how I missed it all of the times I've read it before.  Actually, I'm exactly sure how. Have you read the words of Isaiah?  No explanation necessary for how one could easily skim over the words without absorbing much. The scripture is going down in history as one of the Willardson's favorite verses. Why?

2 Nephi 17:22 "And it shall come to pass, for the abundance of milk they shall give he shall eat butter, for butter and honey shall every one eat that is left in the land."

abundance of milk?
eat butter and honey?

Throw in a Lakers game and they basically just described the greatest day of Aaron's life.

And don't forget verse 15
"Butter and honey shall he eat, that he may know to refuse the evil and to choose the good."  

Well played Isaiah, well played.

Dad, if you're reading this, I am going to start that book. Not that that Second Coming wasn't enticing enough before, but butter? I'm all kinds of interested in Isaiah, now.

Something Good

Dear Children,
It's October 1st!
I have read my scriptures every single day for four years. Every day.

This year, I made a more dedicated effort to really study the scriptures and ponder how the words apply to my life.

Here are a few thoughts from my experiences and some counsel for you:

-When I read at the beginning of the day, I usually have a better day. Starting the day with scripture study invites the Spirit and generally helps me make better choices.

-When I had feelings of sadness and emptiness, I feasted upon the words of Christ and was filled with affirmation of His love for me, for Daddy, and for each of you.

-The scriptures are true. Not just true as in "the people are real and what happened is real", I mean true as in full of truth. This is a very important blessing that I once took for granted and learned to appreciate recently. Unfortunately, we do not always know when the world around us is telling us the truth or not. Television, advertisements, the Internet, and even your own friends will send mixed messages and cannot be guaranteed to speak the truth 100% of the time. The scriptures are constant. They always give the truth. If you ever feel confused, betrayed, or you are having difficulty discerning right from wrong, open your scriptures. The scriptures will never lie to you.

-Reading the scriptures reminds me to parallel my behavior to how He wants me to act.

-Studying the scriptures this year reinforced my testimony of the Atonement, obedience, self reliance, repentance, honesty, and charity.

-The stories in the scriptures can teach us truths and lessons.

-Turning to the scriptures helps me replace anxiety with peace, serenity, safety and joy.

-Reading the scriptures is a worthwhile use of time and helps me prioritize and manage the rest of my day more effectively.

-I feel strengthened, uplifted, and empowered when I read the scriptures.

-We are blessed to have access to the Book of Mormon and I am grateful for sacrifices that were made to protect it's validity.

-Studying the scriptures provides an opportunity for personal revelation.

-Making time for scripture study daily has finally become a habit, but there are still days when it is difficult. I don't think I will ever be completely free of the temptation to just bag reading for one day. One day can become four days, and four days can become four weeks. Four weeks can become four months and eventually, four years.

Children, do not allow the adversary to convince you that nothing will be lost or missed by letting your scriptures sit on a shelf. Do not shelf opportunities to be comforted by the Spirit, to draw close to Jesus Christ and receive the enabling power of his Atonement, and to receive instruction and inspiration from God.

I need the power and peace that can only come from reading the scriptures, every single day.

Today, during General Conference, we heard Elder Richard G. Scott promise that reading and memorizing scriptures will bring happiness. He also said that the scriptures can be a friend that will out last the weariness of old age.

The scriptures are the perfect example of a good friend. They uplift me. They provide answers when I have questions. They are honest and reliable. They will lovingly chasten me when I need a course correction. They inspire me to be a better person. They bring me to a greater understanding of my potential. Most importantly, they are always always always available. Even when I do not physically have my scriptures with me, I have favorite verses memorized and can draw strength from the words of Christ in any situation, even if left empty handed. This is why we memorize verses together as a family. My hope is that the words will be remembered in a time of need and you will feel happy and know what to do.
The scriptures are a light in our lives to illuminate the path of righteous living and happiness. Let them fill your life with the Light of Christ, and you can be a light to others.

Read the scriptures every day. One day can become four days and four days can become four weeks. Four weeks can become four months and eventually, four years. It will benefit you to do something good, every day, for four years. I promise.

All my love,
Mom

Delivered.

"Anyone who thinks they are too small to make a difference has never been bitten by a mosquito."
-Jeannette Walls, Half Broke Horses

Small things really do make the difference. Obviously, we all have big things that happen in our lives, but the small things are what make up the bulk.
I see my day as a big clock that has been be sliced like a pie into 15 minute increments, dished out, served, and consumed by the different people and places where I was needed.

I love my life.
I love the places and people that I willingly let devour my time and attention, and I happily do it again at the start of every day. Maybe I am a true southerner. I have this bizarre need to feed people when they come over.

I think the problem is that sometimes we run out of pie, and the people that are left with our grouchy empty plate are really the people who deserve the first and biggest slice of our time, thoughts, and energy.

It is summer. I should have more to give, because I am not so busy running to soccer practice, running to class, or running to just run, anymore. Those extra guests have left my table and no longer need to be fed. So why do I still feel like I have run out of substance and am not progressing as a person?
To what master am I serving up my energy?

One of my favorite quotes comes from my friend Jocelyn. She says, "Comfort arrests progress." I've probably written about it before on my blog, so if this a repeat, deal with it. I love this line. I get too comfortable with how things are going and stop making an extra effort to grow spiritually, draw closer to my family and God.

As I have thought about how to change this, I came upon this nugget of inspiration:

"But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." (Mosiah 7:33)

Bondage. Trust. Deliverance.

A rhetorical question: What binds you from progressing?

So, I've been asking myself some form of this question, for the last 10 days or so. Some days I have the same answer, and other days it is a completely new obstacle that I feel is keeping me from more happiness and a sound mind. Through recent events with friends, a 3am priesthood blessing from sweet Aaron when I hadn't slept in like 3 days, and good counsel from loved ones, I came to the conclusion that, for me, trust = safety and peace. I am no introvert. I feel like I need to have people I can trust in order to feel safe and happy and be able to function in life.

broken trust = meg stops working.

So it happens. People you trust make mistakes, sometimes big mistakes, and break your trust. But if you are like me, it just breaks YOU.
And then there is all the wasted time mulling over it that just makes me all the more useless. I think Satan loves that women like to stew their thoughts, because it makes it so easy for him to drop a bad ingredient into our pot, then sit back and let us do the simmering until it's flavor has overpowered every thought in our head.

Today, I sought peace with one of those stewed situations. I went back to that scripture and read it again, keeping that concept of how I identify trust in my mind.


Well, lo and behold, the FIRST line of the verse is "put your trust in HIM".

It doesn't matter if I've been burned by someone or if bad things happen.

It. Doesn't. Matter.

Well it does matter, of course, since I still care about them and have been affected greatly by them, but my life still can carry on even though it happened.

Remember on 9/11 how we all just sat in shock, staring at our tv's, watching the same news video coverage of the attacks? Remember how we were all just frozen in time, waiting for more news? We didn't do anything but sit and watch and wait. Maybe that segment of reverence was needed. It was sort of a calm before the tidal wave of anger washed over America. I think that there are times when it is ok to just be still and listen, and wait. But sometimes, we can get so comfortable with that, or so overcome with bad things that happen around us, that we can't take our mind off of them. And instead of sitting, watching, waiting, and listening, we are just sitting and doing nothing. Progress arrested.


I have learned this:
We can still progress even when bad things happen around us.

My idea of trust wasn't quite right, was it? Or, at least, where I placed it was wrong.

We really DON'T need to pour our trust into anything, except the Lord, because the rest of us are only human, and are guaranteed to make a mistake and lose someone's trust at some point. If you are one to expect perfection, and you identify trust of others with peace of mind, well then you might end up like me, arrested spiritually because you got too comfortable with being mad about what happened rather seeking to forgive and progress.

Bondage. Progress held captive by destructive emotions: anger, frustration, resentment, unconsolable sadness, being caught up in sadness over people who have let us down, pride, and inability to forgive.

I am grateful for Christ's unyielding love, for my wise, amazing husband, for my mom, and for friends who have helped me understand, forgive, repent and progress.

Some things really suck. Sad and ugly things can happen in this world.
That doesn't mean it is going to happen again, though, so why live bound by fear? It also doesn't mean that it won't happen to me again. The point is that I really have no control over that. It isn't about trusting other people that bad things won't happen to me. It's about trusting in the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I will be able to handle the bad things and move forward when they inevitably DO happen.

Trust. It's a little thing, but it makes a big difference whom we serve it to and share it with.

"For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

Now that I am no longer fostering bad feelings (or letting them foster me), I feel free.
Delivered.

Now, who wants pie?

Be Grateful {6) Progression

Last month, I received my Young Woman Recognition Award.

I know. I'm 28, not a 12-18 yr old.

LDS girls ages 12-18 have the opportunity to strengthen their testimony, develop talents, and learn how to set and acheive goals for personal growth through the Young Women Personal Progress Program. A few years ago, I was called to serve the Young Women. I decided to get started on my own personal progress journey when I heard that the leaders can participate in the program as well. Lead by example, right?

I have learned a lot from this experience.



It took 2 1/2 years for me to complete the program (click here to see in more detail).


For each value (Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice and Accountability, Good Works, Intregrity, and Virtue) the girls are to complete six Value Experiences. They also complete one 10 hour Value Project for each value, that will help them develop or gain greater understanding of that particular value. Some of my projects were pretty involved, and I spent 200 hrs on a few of them.



It was a lot of work, and I grew so much from the experience. I definitely learned to rely on and trust that the Lord always has a plan for me to accomplish what he requires of me. My faith has been strengthened. I have a testimony of the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I know that through Him, I can do things that I could never do alone. The Atonement is a gift to everyone, and it has strengthened every aspect of my life.



I finished the program several months ago, but just received my recognition neclace and certificate recently. It was very fitting that I received it on the Sunday of the week that marked a 3 year anniversary of this goal...which I started as a part of my Personal Progress program.



Of course, it was not until after I had completed all of the requirements for my Leader Recognition, that I realized that there are separate requirements for leaders. Leaders are only required to do 3 value experience (instead of 6) for each value, and only 3 of the 10 hour projects (as opposed to 8). Oops! Oh well. I, personally, must have needed the entire program, and I am glad that I did the whole thing. If it had been about "just getting it done", I probably could have flipped through the booklet and signed of half of it right then and there. But the thing about completion is that once something is "complete" it is done. finished. over. I love that my church encourages me to be constantly growing, working, learning. I did this program to progress, and to help the Young Women I was serving to progress.

What I learned:

Through this program, and my understanding of the Atonement, I learned to recognize my strengths and weaknesses. I learned dilligence and obedience (and sometimes longsuffering). My marriage was strengthened. I gained confidence. I have a deeper respect and appreciation for my role as a woman and a mother. A friendship that I had thought was beyond repair was meded. I developed new talents and skills. I made new friends. I actually learned how to set, follow through, and complete goals, and I learned to accept failure, make more reasonable goals, and know that it's ok that I can't do everything. I developed a love for the scriptures and a habit of studying them daily. My pride was broken and I learned how to take ownership of mistakes and ask others for forgiveness. I went back to school. I developed an ounce (just an ounce, but it's something..progress) of patience. I opened a preschool program in my home. I ran a couple half marathons. I canned my own food storage. I improved my home and improved the homes of others. I have read the entire standard works. I have stepped outside my comfort bubble a little and I can see a thousand things I want to do, learn, experience, be.

I have progressed, and I am still progressing.



I have a testimony of the enabling power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I'm grateful for the Personal Progress Program. It is an inspired program. It can bless the lives of the girls, leaders, and mothers who participate. It strengthened my testimony, increased my faith, built my confidence and understanding of my divine purpose, and because of this program, I know that "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me..." Phillipians 4:13

I'm grateful for progression.

60 days

My friend gave a really great lesson about scripture study in Relief Society at church a few weeks ago. She shared the blessings that can come from studying the scriptures, and challenged us each to set new goals for our personal scripture study. I know there were like 40 women in the room, but I think maybe she was talking to just me.

Ok, she was talking to everyone, but the Spirit was definitely speaking directly to me and what He said was, "LISTEN".

So I did, and I thought, "I do that. I have goals".

I listened again... and AGAIN she said to set a "NEW" goal.

NEW.

Hmmm....what's wrong with my old goal?
Nothing. But I felt impressed to set a new one, not having any clue what it should be. Soooo what should it be?

Well she just so happened to pass out a "sample challenge" to encourage any sisters that were interested in reading the Book of Mormon in 60 days.

60 days? Is she crazy? Who is going to do that? Who reads that much? What difference does how long it takes you or how much you read make? I don't have that kind of time right now.
No, really, I don't. You saw my planner, right? Now add raising 3 children age 5 and under to all the junk on there. February is packed...and it's only the FIRST of the month.

But I knew as soon as I had the paper in my hand on January 10th, that it was what Heavenly Father wanted me to do, I had something to learn, and that if I asked the Lord for help, I would find time to do it.

So I got out a little blue copy-like the kind you see in hotel drawers that the missionaries hand out.

I wrote down a list of 5 things I hoped to gain from this experience. My plan was to check back every couple of days and jot down thoughts and and inspiration. I hoped that by the end of the 60 days, I would have the knowledge and peace I was seeking, and that I would understand why I felt so strongly moved to participate in this particular challenge.

I read.

It has now been 3 weeks and, though I won't share all of the questions for myself that I wrote down, I will tell you that they have all been answered already.

all of them.

and they were all answered on day one
...in the verses of 1 Nephi...that I have heard and read so many times in my life I feel like I practically could have them memorized.
Reading the word of God with new desires and a new purpose brought new responses and perspective.

The Book of Mormon is true.

I will say it 1000 times if one person will hear me.
If you haven't read it, get a copy. I'll give you mine! ...I'll be through with the copy I'm currently using in approximately 28 days ;)

I am not saying that everyone should go out and study the Book of Mormon in 60 days. I am just saying that it is true, and reading it this time has reminded me of it's truth. The stories are true, the characters lived and breathed and are real and the testimonies they bear are valid.
I have never been busier in my life than I have been in the past 6 months. This book is not just for people searching for a religion, or people who are LDS, or people who are not LDS. It is for everyone. Everyone can gain something good from The Book of Mormon. Among many things, I needed peace and balance in my life. I needed time to do everything I need to do and time to do everything I want to do.

3 weeks into this experiment, I have found that I somehow have more time to do those things. I have balance in the way my time is used. I recognize the love that my Father in Heaven has for me, I have a better understanding of His plan for my life, and I know he is aware of the struggles and triumphs that I have each day.

I feel more peace than ever when I read about my Savior, His miracles, His life, His great Atonement, and the unconditional, redeeming love that He has for me, and you, and everyone that ever lived.

...and that is what the Book of Mormon is about.

Milestones

Dearest Children,

October 1st marks a huge milestone for your mother.
2 years.
I think this is the first time I've ever managed to do anything for two years straight.

Ironically, I have felt the tempting pulls of the adversary more this past week than ever before. The powers of Satan are real and he will stop at nothing to keep us from doing anything that brings us peace or happiness. Satan wants us to feel hopeless. Satan wants us to give up, to feel sad, to question our ability. Satan wants us to fail. Satan wants us to be unhappy.

Satan is desperate.

Lucky for us, we are smarter than Satan. We know his secret. We know he is trying to destroy us, and we have been given everything we need to crush his attacks.

You are growing up in a world that expects a lot from you. You will feel the need to be kind, smart, pretty, popular, witty, athletic, talented, coordinated, funny, sincere, and so much more. Be driven yet meek, and successful yet modest. And above all, you must be confident, yet humble. The pressure of living up to each and every one of these expectations can pile up and start to overwhelm you.
Satan will always be there to tell you that your best efforts are just not good enough.
Satan. is. a. liar.

PLEASE remember that feelings of inadequacy do not come from the Lord.

I have learned so much from the scriptures in the past two years. Many times, all I had to do was take my concerns to the Lord in prayer, turn to the scriptures, and the words would jump off the page and shout the answers to me as clearly as someone standing in the room and speaking directly to me. Some answers came so simply and clearly that I couldn't imagine why I didn't have a solution only moments before I had queried.

Other times, answers have not come so quickly, and were much more subtle as I searched, listened, worked out a solution over time. These are the answers I might have missed had I not been watching for them and exposing myself to the Word of God each day.

I am far from perfect. You see my imperfections every single day. I conveniently post the great and interesting things that are happening around here and our accomplishments more often than the mistakes and trials our little family faces. When you go back and read these entries, don't be fooled into thinking the trials didn't exist. I blog to give you a daily morsel of something good...or at least something humorous. (Quincy, you handed me a piece of poop from your diaper, today. Seriously. I wouldn't necessarily categorize that as a "good" post...but perhaps a predecessor to the post where I announce that you are finally potty trained and that you will never ever ever do that to anyone ever again. ever.) Hopefully, the memories of our experiences will make you laugh, uplift your spirits, and embarrass you just the right amount.

Reese, Quincy, and Corbin, you are each wonderful, unique children of God. I feel honored and blessed to be your mother. I'm doing my best and hope you'll forgive me when I lose patience, or fall short of my potential. Today, I can post something good. I've faithfully read my scriptures every single day for two years. In a hospital bed, by flashlight in a tent, in the dim light of the lamp on my bedside table, outside, in the temple, at the park, in the rocking chair with you on my lap,in the car while I waited to pick you up from school, anywhere and everywhere.
...but SOMEwhere. For one moment each day for two years, your mother was doing something good. I will continue to make it 3 years, 5 years, 25 years...but for now, I post my thoughts so that someday, when it has been 25 years, you will know that it wasn't always 25 years, and it wasn't always easy.

But even at 2 years, it has already changed my life.

You CAN do all things required of you and more...and right in the face of adversity.
Do not allow the pressures of Satan and the expectations of the world to smother you, overwhelm you, and suffocate your growth.

Do your best.
I love you madly.
-Mom