On Motherhood and Sisterhood

This is a long one with a little bit of everything, but since it's mother's day (and my blog) I can post whatever I want :)

My thoughts on Mother's Day:

Mother's Day was lovely. We spent Saturday as a family. We had a showing on the house in the morning, so we took the children out for donuts.  We then dropped the boys off for a date with Auntie Kasey and went to the Norman Rockwell exhibit at Crystal Bridges.  It was great! Everyone gets an itouch and earphones and there was audio commentary narrated by Norman Rockwell's son on several of the art pieces.  Aaron and I started out listening to the adult commentary a la museum curator but noticed the girls were always laughing.  We wanted to know what was so funny, so we switched over to the "family" version audio tour and it was much more lively and full of funny stories.  I still went back and listened to a bunch of the pieces that were only on the adult tour, to get the back stories, but it was a great tour over all. Definitely worth the price of admission to the exhibit and the girls had a good time as well. I was impressed that they both immediately recognized the painting of Ruby Bridges and even remembered her by name from a book they'd read at school.  

The rest of saturday consisted of an incredible nap, Aaron taking the children to wash the car and pick up frozen pizzas, and looking at some property in (gasp!) Bella Vista. No acres. No farm. But an excellent buy in a charming (and by charming I mean perfect) neighborhood/cul de sac with children their ages next door.  We're going to see two other properties tomorrow: a full blown farmity-farm and a foreclosure that needs some work but sits on 2-3 farm-able acres. Hopefully we will find something soon! We're ready to take the leap, make the jump, take a chance, make a change...this is starting to sound a lot like a kelly clarkson song. 

I received a bouquet of tulips that are still going strong. They are so beautiful.

I had a wonderful Sunday and got to talk to my sweet mother on the phone.  I owe so much to this amazing woman. (more on that later)

I also wish Happy Mother's Day to my sisters. They are incredible women and I love being around them.  Since I am so much younger (see what I did there? ;) See how I slipped that in?) than them, I was lucky enough to be raised by several mothers. My sisters packed me around on their hips as a baby and toddler, and later in my childhood and teenage years, they drove me around, hosted parties for me and my friends, and I spent as many hours in their homes as I did my own. They have strong, endearing qualities that I really admire.  

This mother's day was extra special as it was my sister HolleeAnn's first mothers day with a baby of her  very own.  I am happy she was able to celebrate the fullness of the holiday. It was a very special day that she has waited for many many years to enjoy and I love that she finally has a turn.  HolleeAnn is an example to me because she is all about the dream come true.  She believes in the power of words and ideas and making good things happen through the power of positive thinking and an open heart.  She has changed her course to a happier one when life led her to bad situations.  She is first to preach that if you don't like your life, change it or change your attitude about it.  She has beaten the odds of death multiple times, the last being a near fatal incident that left her with diabetes and a slight stutter that she has overcome by learning to learn to live with. Not only do these things not control her life, but she has grafted the good parts of these trials into her personality with a no-regrets attitude. She serves others in a thoughtful way by recognizing when the gift of her time is most needed and offers companionship. She is intentional with words of appreciation and supports every member of our family with her presentness.  She attends my niece and nephews' baseball and basketball games, gymnastic meets, helps at my sister in law's gym, and visits my grandmother daily.  She breathes life back into the exasperated.  She enjoys the little things in life like a fun purchase, a cold beverage, a child's adorable lisp, a fresh breeze, clean warm towels, a delicious snack, or a baby with bed head and snuggly jammies.  She slows down and enjoys it all, and points it out to you so you can enjoy it all with her. Conversation and people watching are top quality with HolleeAnn.  I tell her this isn't her "first" mother's day at all, because she's mothered every child she's ever met, including her younger sisters. 

Amy is a giver and a feeler.  She hurts when you hurt and if you hurt deeply she hurts for you. She carries not only her own trials, but opens her arms for everyone she knows to unload a bit of their own onto her back to carry as well.  She strengthens others and uplifts them.  She gets things done and makes things happen.  We say, "we should totally do that for them...too bad we don't have time..." and she actually does it, even though she doesn't have time either. She makes time for and has the ability to split and share herself wherever she is needed most.  I appreciate all of this. She works incredibly hard. She rolls with the punches. She is a mother of 3 boys (4 if you count Josh hahaha) and she is totally calm as they show her their latest skateboarding and unicycle tricks that I just couldn't watch because I was sure one of them would crack their head open or need stitches. She watches and cheers and encourages them to go for it....and calmly takes them to the hospital when they need stitches or an xray or their head glued shut.  She runs a "live and let live life" and tells others to judge when they've walked a mile in her shoes.  She has the compassion of 100 women and is tough as nails all together in one sunny and ready for adventure package. She is fast paced, courageous, gifted, determined, accomplished, generous, and funny.  She understand the importance of having a few outlets for sanity.  She is an extremely popular extrovert and is always surrounded by a crowd of friends.  She brought her her community together by organizing a community Christmas concert and single handedly went to every Christian church and invited them to participate in the celebration of one belief they all have in common, the birth of Jesus Christ. She is a lifesaver and a hero.  

While in California, I found photos of this legacy of womanhood and sisterhood that I have inherited and took photos of the photos so I could record them here on the blog for my children.

My Mother Lynn Tenney Lawrence (left) with her sisters Tamara (Tami) Tenney Palmer (center), and Lisa Tenney Smith (right) 

 My Sweet Grandmother Myrtle Hatch Tenny (far right) with her sisters, Ruth (left) and June (center)

 

My Great Grandmother Julia Maude (Maudie) Croff Hatch (right) with her sister Jen, and her mother, Hannah Elizabeth.

My Great Grandmother Julia Maude (maudie)

My Great Great Grandmother: Almeda Day McClellan Croff
She was 102 years old in this photograph.

And if you go back 6 more generations, you'd find that one of my great (x8, I believe) grandmothers was named Reese. How about that? 

I had a blast looking at all the pictures in my grandmother's bedroom. I've seen them all many times before, and heard many many stories, but I've never taken the time to do anything with the stories until now. My friend, Kim, brought in a 6 generation photo board of women in her family all taken around the age of 20. It's awesome. I don't have a cool frame or photos taken at the same age, but I do have this blog, and these posts get printed and bound into books, so at least somewhere in cyberspace and on paper, my daughters will have this little 6 generation timeline to look at and know they come from a long line of wonderful women. 

I came home feeling nostalgic and started to look through photos of my own.
Also, my high school choir teacher is retiring this week and alumni were encouraged to send in old pictures from choir days. I went through a box of and found several gems, many of which I posted on fb to the horror of my friends (sorry friends. Don't worry, we all looked as bad as we think we did, so we're in it together.) and I also found a bunch of my sweet mother.

There were photos of her making flower garlands for my hair for a dance, driving choir kids on a trip, and making costumes for me for various theatrical activities, assembling wedding decorations for my brother, etc. She was always busy working away doing something for someone. Some of these just have too much awesome not to share with everyone.
Me + my mama circa 1999-2001

Mom, they say you're supposed to just be a parent and not try to be your kids' best friend. Who ever "they" are, they're wrong. You're my best friend and you totally did it right. I love you so much. Thanks for teaching me to laugh and love, come what may. I celebrate Mother's Day for you, lady.

 (the hair is fake. The smiles and sunburn are quite real.)

My mom spent her Mother's Day caring for my sweet grandmother.  Life has come full circle and my Mom has the gift of mothering her own mother. 

The day that mother's day becomes about ME, instead of about honoring my own mother will probably be a very lonely day because it will mean my mom is not here to spend it with and tell her how much I appreciate her.  To me, this day is not about me "deserving a break", but an opportunity to applaud and honor sisterhood and all things womanly, feminine, and motherly. Motherhood is support and love and I am blessed to have so many wonderful mothers to set good examples for me. 

One of the greatest is my sweet mother in law, Lynda.  I love her and she is the greatest grandmother!  As I looked through my pictures, I realized that nearly all of the shots I have of Lynda are with her piled up with grandchildren on her lap or with her down on the ground playing with the kids.  This woman loves to play and gives 100% of her attention to children. She remembers what it is like to think and feel like a child and empathizes with them over lost or broken toys and scraped knees. She remembers what it was like to hate vegetables and feel bored, frustrated, or mischievous.  Lynda understands and treats the feelings of children with great care and respect.  I admire her tender heart, the gentle way she handles accidents, embraces the messes of life at play, and how she is the first to move chaos aside and calm an upset child. She is thoughtful and loving and more patient than I could even dream of becoming.

Another example is Sarah.

Sarah probably doesn't know how much I admire the way she mothers her children.  I don't even see her terribly often and even though I know our interactions are only a glimpse, I watch admirably and try to emulate her in my own mothering.  If I had to describe Sarah with one word, I would say Sarah is a superlative.  She has all of the qualities of all the women I describe today, with the highest of order, quality, and degree. I guess I could say "she's just da best", but "superlative" sounds prettier. I see Sarah as a celebrator, a laugher, a giver, a listener, a make it happener, an organizer, a let-it-go-er, a noticer, a lover of good things, and a supporter.

Once, probably a year ago, when I was pregnant and very sick, I was sitting with Corbin in the foyer at church.  I had thrown up all morning, was exhausted mentally and physically. Corbin was out of control and having a tantrum on the floor. All of my mothering and teaching tricks had failed me, and  I'd attempted to hold him on my lap on the sofa, but he had slithered to the floor and was working out his anger there. So I let him. I was physically unable to pick him up and relocate us to a place where we would be less disruptive (read: a place where he would attract less of a crowd so I would feel better knowing less people would see me and judge the way I was handling my circumstances)  He was acting how I felt and we were both a hot mess. A few people had walked by and offered support through empathetic smiles. One parent came out with a child, restrained the child on his/her lap until the child chose to be under control, and then calmly they reentered the chapel a couple of minutes later.  I watched them with envy. Why can't I control my own child?  I thought about the words said by that particular parent in a church meeting from weeks before when they'd commented/shared their methods for helping children understand the importance of sacrament meeting reverence. "By never allowing them to run free when we go to the hall, they learn to stay quiet in the chapel."  I remember bitterly assuming this had been directed at me, and spitting out "if that worked for us, I would be doing it, wouldn't I?"under my breath. Different strokes for different folks, I say. And today, the stroke was to let my kid have his tantrum in the foyer. But it was hard. REALLY hard.  I was holding back tears over my exhausted resources and Corbin's writhing on the floor was announcing my defeat to everyone.  

Enter Sarah.  She looked at Corbin, not me.  Then sat down by me and said something like.  "There are two separate things happening here. Yours can be ok with a change of thinking, and then you can help him be ok." 

Instead of, "I've been there", "I know how you feel", or "this too will pass" or other useless condolences, she offered actual help, and not just a "is there anything I can do?" because  I obviously was out of answers. Sarah said, "I read about something and I'd like to try it if you think it will help." I was happy to accept her offer...because her offer had substance and was given out of love. 

She shared what she knew with me, then offered some love to Corbin, gave a few words of encouragement, and was on her way. It was what I needed.  She didn't tell me if she'd also been in the trenches of a child meltdown that morning, or any other, "this is what I do" kind of advice, because she knew I didn't need or want to hear it.  I just needed her help and that's what she gave.  I think the other parents who'd passed by were trying to be supportive, and I am grateful for that, but it was Sarah's initiative to stop and give actual service other than lip service that blessed me most and what I am most grateful for.  

Sarah is open minded and accepting. She is a good listener. She is a good friend. She makes an effort to make others feel comfortable.  I learn from Sarah how to be less overprotective and controlling and to let my children explore ideas, use imagination, and make more of their own choices.  I "give love" when calming a child because of Sarah.  I am enjoying my son's wild and naughty boy-hood even more because of Sarah. Sarah is an example of respecting children as individuals with real feelings and not as "just kids" with less significance.  I celebrate more because of Sarah's example. 

Next is Katie.

Katie is the mother of 6. She is fun and real and hilarious. I could probably spend 6 hours a day on the phone with katie and we'd never run out of things to talk about. (*note* we do NOT in fact spend 6 hours a day on the phone...I'm just saying we probably could).  I admire the way that Katie shares. She opens her home to everyone. She tells me about new things to try at the market. She calls and tells me about a good deal or a sale. She invites us to the park or on adventures.  Katie shares ideas best. She tells me what works for her family to help have better FHE lessons or more peace on sundays or how she's helping one child be better about keeping their bedroom clean and another to become a better reader. She shares project ideas. She will call me and say, "I was thinking about ____"  and before I know it, we're making plans, or doing a craft, or creating chore charts or FHE kits or christmas gifts for family members.  She is extremely creative. Like crazy creative and comes up with the cutest things on the fly. For example, she called me in the morning as I was getting ready to leave for a relief society luncheon. I was quickly gathering this and that to scrap together for decorations and she said, "do you have 10 minutes? Come over." I had ONLY 10 minutes to spare, no joke. I stopped by her house on my way and in those 10 minutes we threw together decorations and centerpieces for every table that were super cute!  Katie is thoughtful. After my last miscarriage, she showed up at my house with goodies (that part is a regular occurrence. Be jealous she lives so close to me. The girl can bake.) Each treat had a handwritten scripture reference attached to it.  She told me a personal story and then let me cry to her and when I was done crying she made me laugh.  The next few months were some of my worst. Some of my happiest moments during that terrible time were when I was hanging out with Katie, or when I was looking up one of the scriptures from the jar she gave me.  I love that Katie loves to talk about gospel principals. She shares ideas and we brainstorm how to help our children understand concepts--anything from choosing good friends to more consistent scripture study.  She will read or hear a quote or article and then call to tell me about it. She tries new products at sams club and then gets me addicted to them. I am a creature of habits and slip into routine very easily, and Katie keeps me on the move, encourages the spontaneity, and shares her happy attitude and keeps me laughing.  She is a thoughtful mother and pays attention to each of her children's individual needs and struggles while encouraging the things that make them unique and happy.  

Last, but not least, is this mother hen, Kasey.

I am plagued by anxiety after the birth of my babies.  I become afraid to sleep, afraid to be alone, afraid to go anywhere, afraid that my body will not recover and I will be half functioning forever, and afraid that the irrational fears (that I am totally aware of) will never go away. When Soren was in the NICU my anxiety was particularly out of control and for about 36 hours I spent every moment away from my baby crying and shaking, a prisoner by fear to my hospital bed.  This is a typical part of my postpartum recovery, but it was debilitating this time. I couldn't even call my family members and give updates on Soren because it was too difficult to talk to them and hear them be anything but cheerful, so I wrote everything down, and then texted 1 sentence updates to my parents.  Aaron's mom had arrived in town to help with the children and Aaron needed to return to work. I. Freaked. Out. I couldn't be alone in my hospital room.  I was ok when I was in the NICU with Soren, because I was with my baby, but when I had to go back to my room, I became the baby and fell apart. Kasey stayed in my room with me around the clock, only leaving if another friend was there to babysit me.  When Soren was finally released and able to room with me, I was afraid to go to sleep, certain that he would stop breathing again.  Kasey stayed up through the night and watched my baby sleep so that I  would relax and go to sleep.  Usually, Kasey takes the role of bestie or third sister, but there have been too many times to count when her mother heart has saved my bacon.  She sacrifices her time and energy and gives of herself the way only a mother knows. She has been with us to the pediatrician, pharmacy, swimming lessons, birthday parties, activity days, movies, swimming pool, soccer games, and so much more. She loves my children as her own and they've all been enriched by her abundant affection and she mothers them with all that she has. But she's also been a mother to me.  

 I admire her compassion, self sacrifice, time, directness, and her ability to stay calm under a great deal of stress. The girl shines under pressure and can set emotions aside to get things done. She's a gem. 

I'm thankful for all of the women in my life from the mothers of my ancestry to the beautiful mothers who surround me today. 

Whether we are mothering our friends, sisters, children, babies, or our own mothers, there is no greater call than to love and support another woman. 

So to every mother in my life, Thank you and Happy Mother's Day.