Wee Willy Winkie Runs Through the Town...

....Upstairs, Downstairs, in his Nightgown.

Gather 'round folks, it's story time.
So, for the first 2 years we lived here the house right behind us was vacant, except for a month or so that there was a renter (an off shore oil rig worker/owner of talking exotic birds that kept my kid very entertained).

About a year ago, the house finally sold, and we met Marge and Ross...our sweet 90 year old neighbors (not to be confused with Carl and Barb...the 80 year old neighbors across the street), or Keith...the "no cars near my lawn" neighbor.
Marge and Ross are very sweet, and they probably say "hi" back to our girls about 100 times a day. (our back porches face each other).

About a month ago, the girls were playing on the back porch, when I heard a loud beeping.
"Reese! What is that? turn it off, it's annoying!"
"It's not me, mom! It's Ross and Marge. Their house is beeping!"

A beeping house? Oh no, that could only mean one thing.

Flashback to Aaron's birthday. Our kids were in bed, it was dark outside, and Aaron and I were about to curl up and watch a movie. Aaron hears a noise out in the backyard and presses his nose up against the sliding glass door to check it out. (you know, how when it's dark out, and the lights are on how you can't see anything outside? But they can see in? creeps me out)

Me: "what is it?"
A: "I think Ross is letting their dog out to pee. He usually has a flashlight though".
Me: "Oh. Come snuggle, the movie is starting."

And that was it...until the next morning I see Marge with a cast up to her armpit! She had fallen off the back porch onto the prickly holly bush, hit her hear, broken her arm, and couldn't get up! The noise we had heard was her calling in her little old lady voice, "Help me! Help me! Aaron? Anyone? Come help me!"

Turns out, she was stuck there, alone in the dark, cold and helpless for over TWO hours, until Ross woke up and noticed she was missing. The worse part? SHE SAW Aaron come to the window, called out to him, and cried when he didn't see her and come to her rescue. She could see him, but he couldn't see her! so so SAD!

Ok, so fast forward up to the beeping house. I'd already let Marge have one accident without coming to her aid...could I really let her house beep without checking it out? I left the girls on the porch and went over to see what was going on.

All the screen doors and windows were open, but locked. The garage? No car. Where are they? They never leave home without closing all the doors and windows up.

The Smoke Alarm continued to blare through the house, getting louder and louder as each moment passed on. What should I do? Break in? What if the stove was left on? I'd already left her all cut up with a head injury and broken arm, I couldn't let her house burn down too....they'd NEVER forgive me for that!

I go to the window in front of the kitchen sink to see if I can pry the screen loose and maybe shimmy myself up and through the window. I am prowling around when Marge appears out of nowhere.

"Help ME! I can't turn the {dang} thing off! Help me Meg!"

Marge is soaking wet and stark naked.

Marge is 90.
I am staring at the whole "upstairs".

The smoke alarm continued to blare on, like a siren coming to resuscitate my dying hope of having a recognizable female body in my old age.

"Marge, the front door is locked. I can help if you let me in"

"I'm coming, honey!" (she is clearly terrified)

"where is Ross? Do you know where all the smoke is coming from?"

She opens the door. YEP! Still naked, but she has done me the courtesy of grabbing a HAND towel to cover her self. Her upper self. The self I'd already seen.

I got the Downstairs view.
I am frightened for my future.

"Ross is gone...at the store. Will you help me?!"

"Sure, uh..." Look away, you idiot! You are burning your brain!
"Where's the fire, Marge?"
"Fire?!" she relaxes "Oh there's no fire...that {dang} thing only goes off when Ross isn't around to fix it! I can't turn it off! It interrupted my shower!"

Good grief, what was she doing in there? Boiling herself? The house was so thick with steam flooding from the bathroom, it could peel the tacky striped paper right off the walls.

"Is all this from your shower, Marge?!" I'm still shouting over the smoke alarm...which is mocking me at ear piercing volume, and not responding to the typical wave-your-hands-to-clear-the-air-below-it shut-it-off-quick-fix.

"Here honey, use this" She hands me her protective towel, then turns and heads down the hall to get another towel for herself. Hopefully a bigger one.

No. No. No. No. NO.
My eyes HATE me right now. Upstairs, Downstairs...and now the Back Door!
What. The. Heck. Marge? Your House is not on fire. Go get dressed please.
So there you go, the next time you hear a smoke alarm, proceed with caution.

I have seen my sweet little neighbor naked. Really naked. Old naked. Our relationship will never be the same.