We've talked about this.
Perhaps not enough.
There are cats in my neighborhood. Strays, I think. Strays that think they live at my house.
I do not love them. I do not feed them.
When they get close enough, I throw rocks or spray them with my hose.
But they keep coming back. Sometimes, they bring their friends.
Last night, there was a cat meowing SO LOUD right outside our bedroom that Aaron and I woke up, got out of bed at like 1am and went outside to shoo it away, because it just wouldn't shut up.
Except it was pitch black outside and even with flashlights, we couldn't freaking find it! Torture!
The evil cat was hiding and whining, making us even more mad, as we stood in our front and side yard in our underwear and flip flops, waving flashlights and making that "pssst!" noise you make to scare cats away into the dead of night. We were tired and crabby, the cat kept meowing, and we could not figure out where the wailing was coming from to save our lives. From our bedroom, it sounded as though it was directly UNDER our bed, so we thought maybe it was stuck underneath the house.
While Aaron ruled out that option, I heard a second cat meowing at the front of the house, outside, in the bushes below our bedroom window. We found that cat (the same one that has been sleeping on our A/C unit but is too fast to catch and too smart to trap) and scared him away, and we eventually just gave up on the other cat-the louder one- and went to bed.
30 minutes later a HORRIBLE storm whipped through, drowing out any cat noises and I sort of hope it scared the cats away forevah.
As we crawled back into bed, I said to Aaron, "I bet you anything that cats didn't exist before the Fall of Adam. Surely they are part of that whole 'sorrow and contamination of the lone and dreary world that came along with pestilence when Adam and Eve were cast out of the Garden of Eden."
He disagreed with good reason (something I generally lack) and we went to sleep.
I think tonight might have changed his opinion.
After dinner, we opened the front door to get a package and Corbin took off running toward our side yard. I chased after him and he stopped at the big red metal gate (another story, I'm officially a hick with a barn gate) pointed, and said, "Kitty! Meow! Meow!" I scooped him up and there they were.
Yes. THEY.
Kittens.
THREE kittens.
Two black and whites and one siamese (who was too fast to catch a photo of).
***I took these photos today. There WERE cats under our bed!!! That vent is directly below our bedroom window! My home has been violated by felines!*****
Clearly the evil spawn of the 2 horrible cats that whined at my slider all winter long, that I refused to let inside (ew! never.). Since they obviously did not freeze to death, they must have decided to retaliate and multiply in the patch of noxious weeds behind my house. I think they might be trying to start a revolution.Why, cats? Really. A litter. Really? Why? Why me? Why MY house? I do not like you. Leave me alone! Be gone!
****Now, I don't mean for this to be offensive for you cat lovers out there (who, I'm sure, are quickly becoming both cat lovers and Meg haters). So please don't be offended (unless you are the proud owner of one of the cats in my yard...and in that case, definitely be offended because I don't have anything nice to say about them). I really do think it's nice that you love your cats. I just don't understand why the cats love ME. The reciprocity is not there.
So anyway, back to my theory:
Cats = evil.
So far, here is my supporting evidence:
1) We'll start with the obvious. Superstition: black cats = bad luck. I'll take this one step further and state that ALL cats = bad luck. Did you not read this post? I have a litter of kittens under my woodpile! Grossness. Bad luck AND evil, fo' shiz.
2) During our middle-of-the-night attempts to shoo away the moaning and wailing last night, we were eaten alive by mosquitos. I have about 50 bites on my legs alone. Now, we're all swollen and itchy---just how anyone would feel after leaving a kitty brothel, which is exactly what we have getting on in our backyard. What's more wicked than a brothel?
3) All Dogs go to Heaven, so cats go ---where? Ah ha! Need I go on?
4) Cats have nine lives. Why do they get nine? Because they pulled a Dr. Faustus and sold their souls to Satan, that's why.
5) The mean old fat nasty cat in Cinderella---what was his name? Oh, right. Lucifer.
6) There's a 90210/O.C. esque cheerleading show on CW or WB or whatever that vampire diaries network is called now called HellCats. I mean, what is that really? Hell-Cat? Is that a thing? No one knows, but the two words seem to fit together so nicely that there's a hit trashy teen drama series wearing it's title.
7) No one should ever wear a unitard. Like, ever. Head to toe spandex should only serve one purpose and Spanx has got that market covered. Unitards=wrong. Luckily, it is more difficult these days for the the innocent to be fooled into thinking unitards are a good idea, as the original name "unitard" went out of style and the evil intents and purposes of this horrendous clothing fad were revealed in the new name, CATsuit. Bad news, people.
8) Wasn't it the Ancient Egyption civilization that buried themselves with their mummified cats? Um...hello? Has anyone done any research to be sure that these people weren't actually killed and buried BY their cats?
and finally:
9) Don't even try to tell me that the pitchfork weilding comic cartoon depictions of the devil with the horns and the tail don't have an uncanny likeness to pointy cat ears and long skinny cat tail.
I'm just sayin'.
The garden is bangin'.
More blackberries.
