Rise Up

Good morning, Arkansas! 

I miss my gorgeous winter sunset view out my living room back window.  But I got to see this pretty sight on my way back from taking the boys to school one morning. Driving them to Cooper is a total pain. Not because it’s “so far” because it’s seriously not. But taking them to and from school does sort of cancel out the benefits of living so close to Reese and Quincy’s schools.  It’s the same direction both ways and I’m still making a lot of trips back at forth. 

That said, I DO love being able to run home and put something in my crockpot while the twins are at OT.  It takes 4 minutes to get to the twins’ preschool and to Reese’s school, and basketball practice. And friends in Bentonville are way more willing to come over, or carpool to something. It does make it easier when you live close to town in almost every way.  I miss living super close to my parents. I miss being on a cul de sac. I really just miss my old life in general. A friend warned me that this might happen and I didn’t believe her, but it’s true. I wish people would stop asking me how much fun I’m having picking out new stuff. 

I liked the stuff I had. It wasn’t the best but it was mine and it was enough. Shopping will always be fun, of course! But it does not repair the intense feelings of loss and displacement that we all carry around. Today I made tortilla soup and went to the pantry for seasonings and remembered I don’t have a spice cabinet. I felt stupid for forgetting. But like we do probably 50 times a day, I shrugged and laughed “duh! Oops!” And carried on, the soup was fine without and so are we, we’re just a little bland with all our regular flavor missing.  

My anthem for the past 12 months has been Rise Up by Andra Day. It’s been in my head as I navigated hard things as a foster mother, and it’s in my head now, with the volume up to eleven, as we get up and give each day ahead of us our best effort. 

You're broken down and tired
Of living life on a merry go round
And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
And move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousands times again
For you
For you
For you

Thank goodness life carries on and the sun still rises.

Each time I sing “for you” I picture one of these dear souls I get to champion and be a mother warrior for.  I hope they know I’ll choose to never run out of fight for them and I’ll do it a thousand times again.