It's not even a fair fight. I'm gettin' destroyed over here.
I'm fine during the day. The minute the sun starts to set my chest tightens. I feel like the walls of my home are closing in on me. I become a weepy puddle that's anxious and afraid to sleep, and I stay like that until the sun rises the next morning.
It is manageable.
Well unless the sun doesn't come out for days and then I'm stuck in sadness limbo waiting for sunrise and relief. Just 2 days of clouds and it's the worst case I've ever had. I've become it's captive, imprisoned by hormones that are making me a crazy person who cries all saturday instead of playing with and enjoying my family. I'm overtired and grouchy, and I'm weepy because I'm overtired, and I'm irrational because I'm grouchy and weepy. I'm frustrated that little things that shouldn't bother me, like a messy room or the children fighting get to me. This makes me feel like I'm failing and that leads to more crying in my room, or me freaking out and panicking every time aaron leaves because I hate being alone and feel like I'm doing a terrible job at everything (even if in reality, I'm not. I know this phase won't last for long, (the sun comes back on Tuesday!) and anxiety usually peaks around 4 weeks postpartum (ta-da! Which happens to be today) then tapers off over a couple months.
What is wrong exactly?
I don't know.
What do I need?
I don't know that either.
I hate not feeling like myself. I feel like I'm being robbed of seeing all of the good around me because I'm a slave to hormones and sunlight. I'm totally aware that I'm feeling off and that my kids and house are a wreck, but I'm too tired to help anyone and I'm incapable of making decisions about anything helpful. The answer is "I don't know".
I can take care of my baby, and do a bare minimum of caring for everyone else and that's pretty much my limit before I am maxed out.
I've never understood the expression "baby brain" before now. I'm in a sleep deprived fog with a perma-headache from the spontaneous bursting into tears.
The foggy brain is a real thing.
Here's what I do know:
-I don't like to be home alone unless it's sunny.
-taking a great nap or sleeping in really helps me so much physically and I feel really refreshed and wonderful after the sleep, but the instant one of my kids cries I have major mom guilt and feel terrible for everything I neglected in order to take the nap. So instead of sleeping or helping, I just sit and do nothing and that's the worst thing to do.
-time with Aaron is like a magic prescription. If only he didn't ever have to work, sleep, or basically leave my side ever I would be fine. Needy and crazy? Absolutely, but in theory, fine. ;)
-Sloane started smiling today and it's the best thing that ever happened. Even the worst assault of depression is no match for a baby smile. I have no difficulty loving her but seeing her smile back at me is still a tender mercy. In my weepiest moments of mom guilt and self doubt, that smile cuts through the crazy and reminds me why I (and every other mother) have put our bodies through all this over and over and over again. She, and all of my sweet children are worth every bit. They are the reward. It's a reminder that god knows me and loves me and is aware of how I feel.
-I cannot manage my time or energy at all right now. I want to hold Sloane and do nothing else all day long. She's our last baby, I feel like time is passing too quickly and I'm not soaking in enough. But I also feel guiltily just sitting and holding a baby all the time while responsibility piles up around me, and besides, the messy piles make me anxious anyway so I need to clean them... And then the whole time I'm cleaning I feel overwhelmingly sad that I'm not just snuggling with Sloane. What to do? I don't know.
-I really want/need to make a day trip to the temple but can't figure out a way to do that yet and I'm nervous how Sloane will do on the drive. I do know if I do get there I will feel a lot better.
-I know that as soon as it's a sunny or warm day outside this post will feel ridiculous and not at all accurate to how I'm doing. I'll feel great that day!
-I also know that as the sunlight fades on that day so will my smile, and I will turn back into an emotional mess while I freak out again.
And that's how I am doing. I'm not "depressed", I'm anxious and I feel guilty that it's been a month and things aren't normal around here yet. I'm worried this IS our new normal. I'm praying that dang groundhog predicts and early spring tomorrow. I can cope with crashing hormones and not sleeping, and I can cope with dreary old man winter, and I can cope with my children struggling, but evidently, this is my trifecta and I am sucking at coping with all three. At nighttime, anyway.
This post will seem so silly and whiny in the morning, even to me. I'm really hesitant to post this for several reasons, but I will because it's our real life. Don't ask how I'm doing because My split personality will either say, "I'm great!" Or "I don't know."
And since I can't end a post on that low note, how about a few pics from this weekend of my little high notes?
3 comments:
This is neither silly nor whiny and it breaks my heart your think that. How are we (we as moms, we as friends, and we as a community) to love and see each other, lift each other up in action and prayer if we don't share? I had never experienced post partum anxiety until Joel. I always got the depression part. The anxiety is the worst. It is like being trapped in someone else's skin or having a shadow of something follow one around, like a surrogate self. I'm not sure if knowing you aren't alone in this is at all helpful or comforting, but I hope it is. I pray for sun, for quality Aaron time, for you to give yourself the grace you give everyone else in your life, and that you will sleep, restful and deeply.
Sending you love and sunny thoughts. Just kidding. I don't remember what the sun looks like. I live in Washington. I hear that it is nice, though.
Thanks Angela! The sun IS shining today, I'm roasting in the sunny spot on my sofa by a big window that blasts light and vitamin D into my living room, and I feel wonderful (for the next 3 hours, anyway).
I'll drive you to the temple and hold Sloane while you're inside. Let's go on a sunny school day
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