When good things come to an end.

I was released as primary president today. I took this picture a couple weeks ago after the new first counselor in our bishopric stopped by to thank me for serving and tell me I was going to be released. As soon as he left, I crumpled to the floor beside my front door and just sobbed the ugliest of ugly cries. Luckily, the children were already in bed because I was a sad and scary sight. I felt immobilized by sadness and only after a good half hour did I crawl from my puddle on the floor and put myself to bed with a roll of toilet paper. 

I am not exaggerating when I say that I did not get out of bed for days. I could. not. function. It was too hard to process the feelings of loss that totally overwhelmed me. 

This wasn't a surprise by any means.  I knew it was coming, with Aaron serving in the bishopric in our ward, there's no way both of us could or should be at the church as often as necessary and still be able to care for our family. Plus, it's standard protocol to release the spouse from a presidency so both do not serve on a ward council. What would we do with the children on all those early Sunday mornings?  All of this, and we have a baby coming in 2 months.  I totally knew that being released was inevitable, and necessary, but it just broke my heart that is was going to happen. I could not stop crying. The kids started to worry, and even Aaron admitted a few times that he didn't know how to help me because he had never seen me cry like this over something that he wasn't heartbroken over as well. 

I cried so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye, and broke out in cold sores. It looked awesome. I loved my calling in primary. Due to the dynamics of our blended ward, rapid growth (50 move ins in 90 days), and some strong personalities, I really had my work cut out for me this year. I worked really hard and put out a lot of fires. I served with conviction and love and I developed a lot of skills I did not have before. 

But I just felt a huge, welting hurt and pang of loss.

I shared my testimony in sacrament meeting today. I hope my words came out more eloquently than my mismatched and disorganized thoughts and made sense to anyone listening. I talked a little about how we never really know when our time with something is done.  I doubt anyone is ever released from a calling feeling completely satisfactied that their efforts were enough. Our time in every life experience is limited. It's what we do with that time, whether we have months or years or decades, that matters.   We place our best efforts on the altar and the Atonement of Jesus Christ makes up for the deficit where our mortal imperfections bring us up short. 

The Atonement also applies to the feeling of loss. Over the last month I've processed many feelings of loss that have overwhelmed me and paralyzed my productivity multiple times.  Another ward boundary change and potential loss of closeness to friends, a change in church callings and loss of a fraction of Aaron's family time, and of course the loss of our dear Sue Moon. Add a dollop of pregnancy hormones, exhaustion, and an intense amount of worry about the health of our baby, and what you have is a weepy mess for a month. I needed to apply the Atonement in my life and do some work to gain peace and understanding. 

I remembered something I already know during the sacrament hymn: that the Savior knows my feelings. Duh! Of course He understands loss. He sacrificed His life! It was this one great loss, a sacrifice of death that helped make the Atonement complete. It is because of this, a loss, that I have everything. A loss brought about infinite possibilities for healing for everyone. 

I know that there is still great work ahead for me. Sue's passing, even though she had pleaded for and hoped for more time, taught me that sometimes good things must end. Not because great potential isn't possible...sue could have touched many more lives with a few more years. I know I could have accomplished many great things with more time in prinary. Sometimes, the plea for more time is answered with the charge to do a greater work. I know sue is reunited with her husband now, and together, they are doing greater things right now. 

Serving in primary was a blessing and a pleasure and an experience that changed me for the better. I love those children so very much. I have prayed hard for them. I have prayed for them all by name many many times, all 85 of them, then all 95 of them, all 100,  all 110, and upwards as our ward grew and grew.  I prayed for the teachers and other primary leaders, one at a time.  There were several times when I did not know how to handle a situation and the answer came to me as I knelt by my bedside and took my concerns to the Lord. Prayer is the greatest power I had to help me serve these children.  I am grateful for the opportunity to strengthen my own testimony through service to others. I'm thankful for the unyielding support of great counselors and secretary to work with.  I did not know any of these women well when we started, but I know the Lord called together the perfect team for the ward's needs this last year. Their strengths always made up for my greatest weaknesses. They are helpful, supportive, hard working, agreeable, inspired, and just wonderful women that I feel honored to know. 

I am so happy that two women I truly love and respect will be taking over as primary presidents in the Sugar Creek ward and Metfield Branch. The primary children are in very good hands. I also know that they will be blessed and enabled with every gift they need to know and love and care for God's children. I look forward to learning what great work Heavenly Father has planned for me to do next. 

If you see me wandering around aimlessly at church, it's because I don't know what to do with myself and so much free time/personal space! I might have to start pulling wiggly adults onto my lap and rub their backs or ask them how they're doing just to keep myself busy. ;)