Gift Exchanging with Grief

I had a miscarriage last week.

Every time I go through this it does not get easier.
Though lacking in ease, Grief has yet to fail me in allowing a valuable exchange to occur in the time after despair has circled the drain, and my emotions have run dry and left me with emptiness. The hollow slowly refills and becomes a reservoir of something valuable: understanding, empathy, color, appreciation, humility, etc. and these are reserves that can stay with me forever to bless others.

Today I have ounces of strength trickling into the bottom of my well.

I am strong enough to power through a horrible experience.
I am strong enough to accept and take in the sadness of this and not be absent from the rest of my life. I am strong enough to still do what needs to be done and extract something good from doing it.

I am strong enough to take care of my little family and let my little family take care of me. 

I am strong enough to love and share joy in the four babies that were born to my friends and family this week, and I'm strong enough to be happy for two friends who excitedly announced healthy pregnancies this week.
I am strong enough to ask for help, say no to extra, and delegate. 

I am strong enough to be happy. I know this because this morning I woke up in grey, pulled a pillow over my head, cried a prayer out loud for knowledge, will, courage, and strength…and I knew right away what I needed to do to get myself together and take in some happiness today.

                      

And I am strong because I did it. 

 I placed a stop in my emotional drain and let my soul refill with drops of strength and happiness. Today was not an easy day, but it was a good and honestly-truly joyful day. 

I have trust that God's plan is always greater than my own. 

I am still operating in a sad state of drought at the moment, hydrated only by (sometimes exhausting) constant choices, reminders, and intentionality to keep me positively fueled:
I spent a couple days completely devoted to my children.
I did an intense weights workout with a friend (what the squats? Whyyyyy?!)
I'm reading a good book
I went on a date to the local live theatre with Aaron
I ate a lot of ice cream and baked cookies at 11pm and I ate those too
I took a couple naps
I watched videos of my children that make me laugh.
I made some lists: gratitude, service, happy things
I cleaned my house and organized my bedroom closet
I had one on one time with each of my children and soaked up what incredible people they are.
I spent an afternoon doing a craft with my friend in Bentonville.
These are just little things, but each choice helped accelerate the exchange and replaced my emptiness with some happiness, courage, and strength…even if the latter two only came because I got up and and simply carried out the choice to do something to help me feel happy.

I know I am strong, I know will get better, and I know I will be full, even overflowing, once again when grief's great gift exchange is over.

post edit **We did not tell the children about the pregnancy or the miscarriage, so please please PLEASE don't discuss  any of the above with them or with us in front of them. They think I've had a stomach bug and have worried enough about that as it is.**