Park next to large, stinky pickup truck (complete with tacky bumper stickers).
Take one look at truck and judgmentally think,
"I'll bet there's a whole family of rednecks inside this Walmart that poured outta that truck like clowns from a circus car."Feel guilty for passing judgment and try to think of something else.
Drop off Q's prescription to be
"ready in 20 minutes".
Browse garden aisle.
Make decision to start the garden from seeds this year, just to see if anything will live.
Hit the 5pm "traffic"...meaning Walmart becomes CRAZYtown and full of crabby people who just got off work and the last place they want to be is inside walmart.
Pick up prescription 1 and 1/2 hours later, and wish that
"20 minutes" actually meant 20 minutes when spoken by someone in a blue vest.
Try to checkout in garden dept. to avoid crazy long 5pm WM lines, but end up being told the life story by middle aged cashier named
Kandy (yes, with a K, because
"that makes it a unique name") who tells me all about her bloated bowels and the problems she's been having with her intestines.
I try to escape, but she is holding my receipt and debit card HOSTAGE.
The children are screaming.
Kandy asks if I'm hoping for a boy this time so I can
"be done having children".
Think,
"What the heck is that supposed to mean?"
Decide there is
no good way to take that and say,
"yes, we're having a boy, and we're not sure when we'll be done having children. We take them one at a time."Listen to announcement Kandy makes over LOUDSPEAKER requesting for an associate to come load the 2 bags of manure and topsoil I purchased into the car for
"a poor pregnant woman that really has her hands full" followed by a
"take care sweetie, and be glad you have a better excuse than mine for that big belly"Silently vow to never name my child Kandy.
Return to van to find a HUGE family of rednecks crowded around their pickup (that I'm parked next to) smoking.
Notice teenage boy that looks
WAY too young to be smoking legally.
Watch teenage boy
PICK HIS NOSE (I'm talking
DIG DEEP, twist the finger to get the job done right)
EXAMINE THE retrieval (that takes both a finger AND thumb to pull from nostril)
BITE the BOOGER off his fingertips with his front teeth.
SUCK the booger/air from his front teeth with his tongue to clear up any residue, and then
LICK his fingers clean. Say out loud (
because I have no self control, and am are in total shock of what I am witnessing, and even MORE shocked that the whole family is watching him and NO one is saying anything, vomiting, or shuddering with disgust to show that they might be reacting the way I am)
"Oh NO. No. YOU DID NOT just do that, uh. UH! Are you KIDDING ME?"
Get strange looks from truck family.
Realize you were
TOTALLY just speaking
out loud and
NOT just thinking judgmental thoughts in your head.
Wish you had not parked in the space RIGHT next to them....and wish even more that you had not already OPENED the car door with your keys, so you would walk on by and pretend it isn't your car, and come back after they're gone and the (angry) smoke has lifted.
Feel holes burn into your clothing from glare of silent redneck truck family as you swallow your fate, open the trunk, and load up your groceries.
Cover Reese's mouth when she says,
"Mommy, those people with the hats are so so stinky I'm going to throw..." and shove her in the van, closing the door as quickly as possible.
Buckle Quincy (mimicking Reese with
"that's yucky. that's stinky..." and drive away, still gagging over the smoke that is now IN MY CAR and the visual image burned into my brain of Teenage Booger Eater and his defensive family who watches him eat with satisfaction.
Forget to go pick up manure and topsoil and turn around on the highway to go back, all the while thinking I should have just taken a picture with my phone so you could have the same image I did.
I mean...my shocked, verbal outburst kind of already threw tact right out the window anyway, right?